


What The Actual Floch?!

by Reikukaja



Series: Reddit Festival Crackfics [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Butt Slapping, Butts, Crack, Gen, Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 01:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13869918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reikukaja/pseuds/Reikukaja
Summary: While cleaning the barracks, Floch stumbles upon a book hidden amongst Armin's things. Floch knows he shouldn't open it, but lets his curiosity get the best of him.Written for the r/ShingekiNoKyojin Chapter 103 Festival. Expect a lot of butt puns and humor.





	1. Butt Why??

It was just another day for the 104th Training Corps. Mornings always started with chores. Today, it was Floch's turn to sweep the floors of the men's barracks.

Floch slowly worked his way from bunk to bunk. He methodically swept his broom across the floor, letting all of dust and dirt accumulate in a pile towards the center of the room. He made sure to get under every bed. Shaddis would never let him hear the end of it if he missed a spot. If Floch was being honest, he thought it was rather annoying that so much importance was put on such a basic task.

_Whatever._

Sweeping wasn't hard. He would be done soon... no need to get frustrated.

The space under Connie's bunk was always the worst. Crumbs and other unidentifiable dirt had a way of turning up under and around his bed, somehow. Food wasn't allowed in the barracks, so Floch had no idea how Connie managed it. Well, he did... but he really didn't care about Connie's habit of bending the rules for midnight snacks.

One of the last bunks he came to was Armin's. The little guy usually kept his bunk really clean, and there was rarely any dirt accumulation in his space. Floch had to check anyway, just in case. He swept under Armin's bed, relieved that he had been correct in his assumption that there would be little for him to do here.

Finishing up, Floch straightened his back and stood up straight. In that moment, there was something about Armin's bed that caught his eye. There was something sticking out from under the mattress... A book?

Floch sighed as he looked at the book, having some strong suspicions about the nature of its contents.

_Great... Porn._

This was a semi-regular occurrence. This kind of material was strictly forbidden in the military barracks. Despite that... this was a space lived in by dozens of adolescent boys, going through various stages of puberty. A ban on pornographic material was kind of a lost cause.

Looking down at the book poking out from under Armin's mattress, Floch's curiosity got the better of him. Armin was kind of a weird guy... and Floch wondered what kind of freaky stuff he was into. He knew he should leave it alone – be a good friend and just push the book back under the mattress where it would go undetected. Against his better judgement, Floch pulled the book out from its hiding place, and looked at the cover.

_'The Research of Dr. Kemorsky'_

Floch did not expect this to be an actual book under Armin's mattress. He felt a strange mixture of disappointment and relief wash over him. He considered slipping the book back into its hiding place... but hesitated for a moment, staring at the cover. What was in this book that warranted hiding it under a mattress like it was something forbidden? It looked innocent enough.

Floch opened the book, and flipped to a random page. He was not prepared for what he found.

_"My Research on the Factors that Influence Human Butt Quality"_

**_WUH???_ **


	2. Butt What Determines Quality??

The contents of this book were beyond anything that Floch could have imagined. Despite that shock, he found himself incapable of shutting the book and simply going about his day. The first page he opened to was filled with metrics that the author deemed relevant for determining the quality of a butt. Male and female butts should be considered separately, the author insisted. For this reason, the factors listed were slightly different for the two sexes. Floch already knew what a nice female butt looked like. He was more interested in the research relating to male butts. Perhaps “interested" wasn’t the right word.

According to this text, Floch's butt was very subpar. He'd never thought about his own butt before, and always assumed he was average. This “research" suggested otherwise.

For one, there was no roundness to Floch’s butt. He had always thought that was a good thing. To him, large butts were often associated with fat. Floch wasn’t fat at all. He was lean and lanky. The doctor who conducted this supposed research seemed to suggest that flat butts were no good. Floch knew his butt was  _flat_.

Another factor that the author noted was the presence of dimples. Really? Having dimples improves overall butt quality? Floch would never have guessed. He honestly had no idea if he had any. There was a mirror at the other end of the barracks, and Floch walked over, book in hand. He turned so that his back was to the mirror, and slowly lowered the waist of his pants, checking for dimples. He was slightly sad to note that he had none.

The list went on. Floch had no idea how one person could have compiled a list of so many variables that supposedly influence the quality of a guy's butt. He had to wonder if this "Dr. Kemorsky" was a doctor at all... or even sane. Perhaps he should ask Armin where he found this book. No... Armin would be upset that Floch found and looked through something he had obviously tried to hide.

Floch thought to himself, trying to determine if there was anyone from the 104th Training Corps he could go to with this information. He didn't really have any close friends here... but … maybe if there was someone here who shared a similar body type....

_I know!_

People always commented that Floch and Jean looked like they were related. They had an almost-identical build. Jean would know what to make of this research... and if not him... maybe his best friend Marco. Floch knew he could trust them.

Having made his decision, he grabbed his broom, dustpan, and the book. He quickly exited the barracks, in search of help.


	3. Jean's PT-Ass-D

Floch was not surprised to find that Jean and Marco were together. They had just finished up their own morning chores as well, and were fooling around in the training yard until they had to go to the classroom for lecture.

"Jean! Marco!" Floch called out, when he saw them.

The two guys turned and Marco waved at Floch as he approached.

"Hey Floch!" Marco said, as Floch neared them. "Didja need something?"

"I was hoping... I could ask you guys about something," Floch told them, hesitantly.

"Sure!" Marco chimed in cheerfully. "Ask away!"

Jean wasn't nearly so cheerful, but he seemed willing to listen.

"You see," Floch began, feeling stupider with every passing second. "I found this book..."

Jean's eyes got noticeably wider at the mention of the book.

"And..." Floch continued. "It was full of this weird research."

"Can we see it?" Marco asked, innocently.

"Sure." Floch took the book from where he had it tucked under his arm.

He wasn't prepared for Jean's reaction.

"THAT BOOK????" Jean almost yelled. " _Oh, hell no._  Get that thing away from me!"

Before Marco or Floch could respond, Jean turned around and began walking away from them as fast as he could.

"Woah," Marco seemed surprised by his friend's reaction to seeing the book. "I don't think I have ever seen him react that way... that's strange."

"Wait, Jean!" Floch called out, but it was no use. Jean was gone.

"Dammit," he sighed.

"Did you need Jean?" Marco asked, kindly. "Maybe I could help you?"

"Ahh..." Jean's reaction had shattered the confidence that Floch had struggled to work up. He wasn't sure he was capable of broaching this topic any longer.... but Marco was so nice... so supportive. He wouldn't laugh or judge.

"Come on. You can tell me." Floch was reminded of why everyone loved Marco.

"This book..." Floch began, swallowing. "This book lists some...qualities.... that... make a nice butt." Wow. He felt like an idiot, saying it out loud.

Marco just raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Um... nice butts?"

"Yeah," Floch confirmed. "I know... it's really weird.... but I have none of the qualities of a nice butt... supposedly"

"Oh!" Marco exclaimed, smiling. "That's why you wanted Jean – because your butts are so similar!"

"Umm.." Floch really didn't know how to react. That was kind of a weird thing for Marco to say. This conversation was already a little bit too awkward for his comfort.

"Look," Marco said, resting his hand on Floch's shoulder. "I mean... I think your butt is fine... it's cute even... but you probably want to get a woman's opinion... or better yet, you could ask what women look for in a butt."

"I can't tell anyone else about this..." Floch responded dejectedly. "Definitely not a girl." He felt his face redden at the thought.

"Oh come on," Marco reassured him. "I'm sure we can think of someone safe to ask... someone... nice... someone who won't judge or think you're too weird."

"I can't think of anyone..."

"What about Krista?" Marco suggested.

"I guess.... she might work."

"I'll come along and give you support," Marco added. "Come on, let's go find her."


	4. Quite The Butt!

Floch was thankful that Marco was willing to do all of the talking. He knew Krista was nice, but he hadn't really ever talked to her before. Marco, on the other hand, seemed to be friends with everyone.

"Hey Krista!" Marco waved, as the two of them approached the small blonde. She appeared to be just finishing up her own morning chores – cleaning up the dining hall after the cadets had their breakfast.

"Oh hi Marco!!" she smiled brightly. How did Marco get this kind of a reaction out of everyone? Floch decided he should try to be more like this guy.

"We want your opinion on something," Marco told her. "It's a bit... odd."

"I'd be happy to help if I can," she assured him, grinning sweetly.

"We wanted to know what you think makes a nice butt," Marco told her, without skipping a beat. "In a guy I mean."

She hadn't been expecting that. Her mouth fell open and one of her eyebrows quirked as she began to process his question.

"We need a girl's opinion," Marco elaborated. "It's important."

"Umm...."

Floch was sure that she was going to tell them to stop being weird, and to leave her alone. It's what any sane person would do.

"I don't know... I guess I've never really thought about it..." Krista shrugged. "I can't really think of anything specific."

"Oh," Marco scratched his head. "How about this..."

Floch wondered where Marco was going with this.

"Of the two of us.... who do you think has the better butt?"

"Marco!" Flock yelled. "Why would you ask that??"

"I thought it would be an easier place to start," Marco shrugged. "Well? Whatd'ya think Krista?"

"Um...." Krista blushed and began to giggle. "Probably you I guess, Marco."

_Damn it._

"And why do you say that?" Marco asked, probably hoping she could give him specifics.

"I don't know," she said, avoiding eye contact. "It's hard to explain I guess." Floch thought she looked a bit uncomfortable. He didn't blame her. He was uncomfortable too. Marco didn't seem bothered at all though.

"Let's try a different question... Of every guy in the 104th, who do you think has the best butt?" Marco's follow-up question took Floch by surprise.

"Definitely Reiner," Krista answered, not even needing to think about it. She giggled. "He has quite the butt."


	5. A Nefari-ass Plan

"So that book.... it lists several factors that supposedly make a great butt. How many of those do you think apply to Reiner?" Marco asked, as he and Floch walked.

"I.... haven't really thought about Reiner's ass very much, to be quite honest," Floch was not having a good day. This whole situation was just getting weirder and weirder, spiraling out of control.

"Well what are the factors again? I remember roundness, firmness.... but what else was there?" Marco was very interested.

"Dimples," Floch mentioned, remembering his sadness as he looked at his own rear in the mirror.

"We already know Reiner has butt dimples. Was there anything else?"

Floch wasn't sure how Marco knew about Reiner's butt dimples. Sure, the guys often showered together... but Floch never actually looked at the other guys. He assumed everyone else was the same way. Apparently not Marco.

"There was plenty... ummm..." Floch couldn't understand why he was still telling Marco all of this... it could only end badly. "….another one was the way that a butt feels when spanked...."

Marco burst into laughter. "Well... that's something we can figure out."

Floch was shocked and horrified. "No...  _we can't._ "

"Why not? We've got hand to hand combat practice in a bit. All you have to do is pair up with Reiner, and then you will have a chance. You can make it look like an accident."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Floch asked, shaking his head.

-A few hours later-

Floch didn't want it to happen, but somehow he had been paired with Reiner for combat practice. He suspected Marco had something to do with it, and glared at the freckled fuck from across the training yard. Marco just smiled back at him innocently.  _Tricky bastard._

Today, combat training was focused on disarming an attacker.

Floch played the assailant first, and Reiner made quick work of him, as expected. Reiner was at the top of the class, only behind Mikasa. Floch knew he never stood a chance. He was on the ground in a matter of seconds.

"Sorry," he told Reiner, as he brushed the dirt off of himself and stood back up. "That probably wasn't very challenging for you."

Reiner, being the good guy that he was, offered Floch his hand and helped him stand. "No problem," he said. "Now It's my turn to end up in the dirt." He chuckled and took the wooden knife when Floch handed it to him.

Floch knew Reiner was taking it easy on him. The guy was much bigger than him and could overpower him easily under normal circumstances. Reiner lunged at him with the fake knife, but Floch quickly stepped out of the way. As they were taught, he used his new position to try knock Reiner off balance. Reiner started to stumble. In that moment, Floch remembered what Marco told him.

_'Make it look like an accident'_

_Damn it._

Floch didn't really think before acting. As Reiner stumbled forward, Floch... spanked him.

In that moment, Floch understood. Not even considering its physical appearance, Reiner's butt... was nice to touch, even for the fraction of a second his hand made contact with it. It was mostly muscle, but it still jiggled ever so slightly as his hand made contact. Even through the fabric of Reiner's pants, the curvature of his rear was just... astounding. This was what the book was talking about. It all made sense. Some butts really _were_ better than others.

Reiner froze.

"Floch," Reiner said, awkwardly. "Did you just spank me?" His mouth became a half-smirk and he quirked an eyebrow.

"What?? No! Sorry... I must have slipped while trying to disarm you," Floch lied.

The things was.... Floch wanted to touch Reiner's butt again. He wanted to grab it. His sudden urges didn't stop there. Finishing the training exercise was absolute torture. He managed to control himself, but only just barely.

He would have to ask never to be paired with Reiner again.

"Marco," Floch said afterward when his freckled friend asked for an update. "I think I might be gay... or something."

"Oh?" Marco asked.

"Reiner's butt is..." Floch couldn't believe he was saying this. "It's really nice."


	6. Prologue - The Butt That Got Away

-854-

Liberio. They were finally here. Floch had been waiting for this day for so long.

Four years ago, Reiner Braun escaped the walls. He had turned traitor, leaving all of his former comrades behind.  _Leaving Floch behind._

Floch remembered cycling through so many emotions in that time. He was sad, angry, confused, betrayed... and heartbroken. He had let his guard down. He'd managed to fall in love with Reiner during their time together as cadets... that butt had made Floch question everything about himself, including his own sexuality.

It was Reiner's betrayal that inspired Floch to join the Survey Corps, despite already having a comfortable position in the Garrison. The Garrison wouldn't be on the front lines. As a member of the Garrison, he knew he would never get a chance to see Reiner Braun again.

The Survey Corps better-suited Floch's needs now.

Now, he only wanted one thing: revenge. He wanted to burn this internment zone to the ground. Reiner would be here, they said.  _Reiner fucking Braun_.... and his immaculate ass. Now was Floch's chance to settle the score.

Those were Floch's thoughts as he set fire to building after building.

Jean didn't like this. He yelled for Floch to stop, pissed that he was going to kill civilians.

_Who cares?_

If it meant finding Reiner, Floch was willing to kill any civilian that got in his way.

_If Floch couldn't have that life-changing butt, then nobody could._


End file.
